Anger, Hurt, and Sorrow, anger management
Everyday Life

Why do Anger, Hurt, and Sorrow Define us?

The Nature of Anger and Anger Management

Anger is a normal and healthy emotion that people all feel at some point or another, whether it is anger at a loved one over something minuscule, or something that is worthy of anger. It’s also normal to feel anger over what you view as an injustice and what you feel is just wrong. But the problem with anger is this- many people let emotions rule them, including and especially anger. People get angry in traffic, in the grocery store, at video games, over something not going together immediately, and react in ways that are not healthy.

In the home I grew up in, my family would lash out in anger. Screaming and fighting constantly, hitting each other, throwing objects, breaking things, and refusing to sit and talk out why they were angry. Anger ruled my household and affected myself and everyone else in the family in negative ways. Things were said in anger and even abuse occurred because of anger of things not going someone’s way, and was a show of power. Again, anger is a healthy and normal emotion, but there are ways that you can deal with it that are not so healthy and normal, just as there are ways that are healthy to handle anger.

The Ever Present and Active Nature of Light

Many of the major philosophies of the world and the world religions encourage not allowing anger to rule you or to not say words out of anger or to not allow anger to influence your actions towards others.

I’m going to go all nerdy for a second and say this, “Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate leads to suffering.” (You have to love Star Wars- especially Yoda. He’s awesome!) With this quote, he is not saying all anger, by the way; he is saying that anger that is unjust, anger that is fueled by fear, fueled by any negative emotion. And he is right; they do lead to suffering, if not for yourself, than for others. Anger often leads to hate, and hate leads to oppression of others or of yourself.

This is why many major philosophies and many major religions encourage to try and forgive and to try and find a way to get beyond the anger. It is for yourself as for others.

If someone is angry with you, remember to be calm and soft to them. That does not mean to be a doormat, but respond with kindness. A soft answer can soothe wrath and turn it away.

Keep in mind that I am not saying anger is bad. It’s not. But what is bad is allowing your anger to rule you and to affect your life so fully. We are all interconnected and our decisions affect those around us, not just ourselves. Always keep that in mind with your choices, because you do have the freedom to choose, but you and others are not free from the consequences of your actions and decisions.

Top 5 ways to Help Build Up the Respect in Yourself

The nature of anger is tricky. Anger, righteous anger, can be used to do so much good; but anger that is based upon biases or prejudices will lead to so much bad. It is a fine line to walk and one that must be walked carefully. For righteous anger, you must be clear headed and able to differentiate between being angry and disgusted by the actions of a person and the person themselves.

You’re not going to like everyone, but there is no need to feel hate and desire the oppression of others and push for someone to be hurt or trampled because of your dislike for the sake of anger. It is especially appalling when people feel that way and use religion to encourage such treatment of people when most major religions speak against that very thing. Anger can be righteous but it can also be very damaging. Remember that.

The Nature of Sorrow and Grief

Sorrow and grief are very powerful emotions that humans feel. Sorrow, that gut wrenching, distressed cry that originates within the soul is one felt when someone or something precious is lost to us or when misfortune comes upon us. Grief is usually felt when someone is lost to us, whether it be through the ending of a relationship or through the passing from this life or when they are taken in some form or another from us or voluntarily given up- usually, this applies to children that are taken from their parents or children that are given to another family for adoption. These are times of darkness and hurt for many people, times that are trying to faith, and people experiencing these times need support, love, and compassion.

Many people often go through the grieving process when loss occurs in one form or another. The process is a cycle that goes in five steps and they are:

Denial and Isolation –

Often, when learning of a terminal illness of a loved one or the death of a loved one, the person that is grieving will deny the situation and cut themselves off from others. If the person cuts themselves off from family or loved ones trying to help them, it is not the fault of the family or loved ones. It is a natural reaction to loss. They will also rationalize the situation and it is a defense mechanism that we all use to handle extreme pain.

Anger –

(This one keeps coming up in my posts.) This is a normal emotion and it is a just one because you are not ready for the reality that does emerge and the emotions with it. As a defensive mechanism, anger is the quickest way to handle them and to defend yourself in grief to dull the pain. It is the lessening of one emotion by replacing it with another.

Bargaining –

This is where you try to take control of the situation and try to see what else could have been done. It is wondered if more could have been done, if something else could have been done, if the grieving person had only been a better person towards the lost loved one or the ill loved one. It is normal and understandable because it is a coping mechanism where you try to regain control over something that is rapidly spinning out of control.

Depression –

There are two types of depression associated with grief. One is the sadness at the loss of the person; clarification is sometimes all that is needed, and the other is more private- it is when preparation is made to say good bye for the last time.

Acceptance –

this is a gift that not everyone reaches because we stay in our cocoon of anger and denial. It takes time to reach this point and it enables full healing.

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These are entirely normal and takes time and patience to reach. People that are going through these emotions may need lots of patience with themselves and others, and the ones trying to help them cope need to be patient with the grieving party as well. And it is the same with sorrow.

Sorrow – 

Sorrow is one that is felt deep within the soul. It is a wrenching cry that is felt and can truly change your life. With anger, hate, sorrow, and even those who judge others, love must be given. People need love, their souls crave it, and the deeper the love, the more the kindness, the more healing and promotion of rebirth can be achieved. Sorrow can make blue skies seem dark and stormy, bright colors dull and gray, and a soft spring rain a wild, torrential, screaming storm. It can be drowning in a full room of people while others watch. Sorrow is one where it is heart wrenching to walk with and to get through, but the rebirth is so sweet and beautiful. The process of getting there is very painful and it burns and breaks.

Support

With the right support, people can get through both. People can learn to live and breathe, laugh and love again. People can move forward and heal. But they need love- it always comes back to love, kindness, mercy, compassion, and uplifting people in their lives. It is a battle that is nearly impossible to get through alone and it is one that can have damaging affects that last a lifetime and are passed down, as with anything.

If you are sorrowful, or grieving, you are fine. It is normal. Feel free to reach out to me or others. You need love and you are loved. Be patient and kind to yourself. It is not the end and you can and will live again. If you know someone who is sorrowful or grieving, then remember to reach out to them and love them. Practice patience and kindness. Don’t be short or cruel to someone because they are not healing as quickly as you want or you think they should. Each person is different. Be kind, for we are all fighting a different battle. 

Now Why Does Anger, Hurt, and Sorrow Define Us?

While watching a movie tonight, a scene in a preview flashed to a father talking to his daughter, telling her that he wanted the best for her and that he would always take care of her. The thought crossed my mind that my dad never said that to me or my sister. However, the reason for that was not anything we did or did not do, it wasn’t that he didn’t love us or didn’t want the best for us.

My dad was a quiet man when I was born. He rarely laughed or smiled. Had terrible anger and deep rooted hurt. He wasn’t particularly patient early in my life and he had little to do with me. As I matured and grew, though, that changed. He became more patient but he also withdrew more. He told me that he was proud of me often but didn’t express love often with the pride. That doesn’t mean he didn’t love me. No one in my family ever showed affection, really. Hugs were rare and tender words even rarer.

Also Read: The Nature of Judgement, Forgiveness, Love and Mercy

It wasn’t because of something lacking in them or in me, but they had never been shown affection themselves; they had also been hurt and were angry and bitter. Their anger and bitterness defined their lives, their views, and even their relationships with other people. It colored and shaped who they were and are, and how they viewed others. Their anger and bitterness was also something that they tried to pass down to us- the kids, through their words and actions, claiming that it was for our own good and to protect us.

My grandmother was so fond of saying that there were no good men out in the world, for example. She based that solely on her experience with men, and felt that, because of the choices she made in men and how she stayed in poisonous relationships, that was all there was. Didn’t want to look beyond that and she then allowed her views of men to be colored by that alone. She would chose men who were the exact opposite of her father and did it to spite him. In turn, because she chose men that were alcoholics and abusers, she then allowed their decisions to affect her and her children’s life.

Freedom of Choice

Far too often, all of us let our anger, hurt, sorrow, losses, mistakes and all things negative define us and define our lives. We allow what others have done to us, what hurt and sorrow happens in life to color our decisions and words. We experience crises of faith or completely turn our backs on God, saying that if God were real then all of the bad things would be stopped. Yet, one thing is ignored. The fact that choices were made and you are allowing others’ choices, actions, and even words to affect you and all decisions.

There is an universal paradox that states, “You have freedom of choice, but you are not free from the consequences of your choices. “What should also be stated is that others also feel the consequences of your actions- not just you. We are all connected, as we are connected to the Earth and even the universe. Therein, with this connection that is present, if you allow others’ actions to color your life, to shape who you are, if you hold on your anger at a person for what was done to you by another, your choices will affect another’s life and the cycle will continue. The connection that exists between people allows good and bad to come into our lives and also other people’s lives that we come in contact with- and it is all based on our choices we make.

Our Influence –

We come in contact every day with people; we influence them in many ways, from small to large. So much good can be done and so can so much bad. It all depends on what you choose to let in and what you choose to say and do. That is YOUR decision. You decide. You decide what affects you and then you let it trickle outward, based on your choices and on what you let affect you.

This is why forgiveness is so important. Forgiveness for others and yourself. When you forgive, you replace hate with love and darkness with light. This is why it is a daily process, a daily giving over- because it has to be done again and again until all that is left is love and light. When you forgive, you make a conscious decision to not let pain or sorrow or anything another has done to you affect you.

People often let all of these negative things affect them or they blame what they do on others. “Well, my daddy did this and that’s why I am the way I am!” No. You can choose to be different. It is up to you to decide and to make your own choice. No one else, but you. And your decisions and actions also affect others.

 

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